The only thing in the world, a daughter-in-law and a mother-in-law agree upon is that her husband and her son respectively should have married someone else!
Husband was sipping his whiskey, while sitting in the balcony with the wife.
Husband: I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you.
Wife: Is that you or the whiskey talking?
Husband: It's me... talking to whiskey!
Man: I want a divorce because my wife hasn't spoken to me for past six months.
Judge: You better think over it. Wives like that are hard to get!
Men never win an argument with their wives; and the only time they think they have, they realize the argument wasn't even yet over!
Wife: Why don't you throw out all the useless stuff?
Husband: I am afraid, where will you go then?
Wife just called: "Three girls in my office just received flowers, they're absolutely gorgeous."
I replied: That's probably why they received flowers!
This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face.
I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore!
My wife kept going on and on about what she should use the empty drawer for.
Eventually, I told her to put a sock in it!
I got married twice and both of my marriages were disasters.
My first wife left me. My second one didn't!
Wife: I'll make you the happiest man on earth.
Husband: I'll surely miss you!
