Clean Jokes

Prior to taking retirement and selling off his land, a farmer needed to get rid of all the animals he owned, so he decided to call on every house in his village. At houses where the man was the boss, he gave a horse...

Two men walking their dogs met outside a bar. After chatting a while, one suggested they go inside for a drink. The man with the Chihuahua said, "Good idea, but the sign says `No Dogs`." The man with the golden retriever...

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint. The lizard looks up and says, "Hey! What`s up?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come... join me...

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused. The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain...

Morris realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesperson.
"That depends," he said....

A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another. A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don`t you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn`t you see the giant warning...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing...

Outside England`s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant... The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7)...

The couple entered the resort`s swanky dining room. "I`m sorry," apologized the Maitre d, "but there are no tables available."
"One moment, my friend," said the man, drawing himself up...