| THIS IS HOW ENGLISH AND ENGLISHMEN MAKE FUN OF EACH OTHER ? Q: Can February March? A: No. But April May! Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised? A: Reports say it was due to too many Strokes! Q: Have you heard the Joke about the Butter? A: I better not tell you, it might spread! Q: How do you know that Carrots are good for your Eyesight? A: Have you ever seen a Rabbit wearing Glasses? Q: Music Teacher: What's your Favourite Musical Instrument? A: Kid: The Lunch Bell! Q: What did the Triangle say to the Circle? A: You're Pointless! Q: What do you call a Ghosts Mom and Dad? A: Transparents! Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A: A Barbercue! Q: What do you call a person that Chops up Cereal? A: A Cereal Killer! Q: What do you call a South American Girl who is always in a hurry? A: Urgent Tina! Q: What do you call Two Fat People having a Chat? A: A Heavy Discussion! Q: What kind of Emotions do Noses Feel? A: Nostalgia! Q: What kind of shorts do Clouds Wear? A: Thunderwear! Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of? A: Trouble! Q: Where do Boats go to when they get sick? A: The Dock! Q: Who cleans the bottom of the Ocean? A: A Mer-Maid! Q: Why can't a Leopard hide? A: Because he's always Spotted! Q: Why can't your Nose be 12 inches long? A: Because then it would be a Foot! Q: Why did the Barber win the Race? A: Because he took a Short Cut! Q: Why did the Boy tiptoe past the Medicine Cabinet? A: He didn't want to wake the Sleeping Pills! Q: Why did the Tomato turn Red? A: It saw the Salad Dressing! Q: Why did the Tree go to the Dentist? A: To get a Root Canal! Q: Why don't you see Giraffes in Elementary School? A: Because they're all in High School! Q: Why was the Maths Book Sad ? A: Because it had too many Problems! |
| How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side. I have a few jokes about unemployed people.... but none of them work. How do you make holy water? You take some water & boil the hell out of it. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen. Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?" The other says, "I'm a big metal fan." Heard about the new restaurant called Karma? There's no menu, you get what you deserve. I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday... but couldn't find any. What do you call a bee that can't quite make up its mind? A maybe. I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case. If and when everything is coming your way..... you're in the wrong lane. She had a photographic memory... but never developed it. Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care. I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant..... but then I changed my mind. Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland, of course, it's Dublin everyday. My ex-wife still misses me.... but her aim is starting to improve. The guy who invented the door knocker got a..... No-bell prize. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought.... "that's the last thing I need !" Need an ark??? I Noah guy. I used to be indecisive..... Now I'm not so sure. Sleeping comes so naturally to me that...... I can do it with my eyes closed. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing. But, it let out a little whine. What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary? A Thesaurus. Last, but not least, What happens when you boil a funny bone? You get a laughing stock. |
| I let my wife borrow the bmw today... I told her to be careful, there's plenty of idiots on the road in London. Sure enough about 15 minutes later on the radio; I hear that there's a car driving on the wrong side of the road in my area. I gave her a call: Be careful love, someone's driving on the wrong side of the road. Wife: Someone is...? EVERYONE IS! |
| While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..., "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look." She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head." "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess." |