Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.
"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.
"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"
"An elephant? Are you crazy?"
"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride him and slide down his trunk, so now they are playing outside and being kids instead of just watching TV all day. My wife loves him too. He's very strong and helps her move things when I'm not around. Honestly, I can't think of a better pet."
The first multimillionaire thinks for a moment. "That's actually kind of amazing. How much did you pay for him?"
"Five hundred thousand dollars. What a bargain, huh?"
"Can I buy him for one million dollars?"
"What?! I can't sell him. He's part of my family now!"
"Okay. Two million?"
"You can't put a price on something so useful!"
"Three million?"
"Fine. I'll sell him for three million dollars, but only because you're my friend."
A few months later, the multimillionaires meet again. The first multimillionaire is raging.
"The elephant may have been useful to you, but he's a burden to me. He may have grazed your lawn, but he ate all my trees and left dung all over my lawn. The kids are terrified of that huge, noisy, aggressive thing. My wife and I haven't had a good night's sleep in months because the elephant keeps us awake. It's the worst purchase I ever made!"
"I don't know what to say," says the second multimillionaire. "But with that attitude, you'll never be able to sell him!"
The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.
So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rainstorm."
The king replied, "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky The King and Queen were totally soaked.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.
The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government.
The practice is unbroken to this date.
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio, "Airbus, boring flight isn't it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers, "Very impressive, but watch this!" The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?"
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The AirBus pilot laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."
The moral of the story is: When you're young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, you learn that comfort and peace are more important.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older and Smarter.
Dedicated to old fellas - it's time to slow down and enjoy the rest of the trip.
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study to find out more about him.
"So what are your plans?" the father asks.
"I am a bible scholar," the young man replies. "A bible scholar, huh," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she is used to having?"
The young man replies, "I will study & God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, which she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies & God will provide for us," replies the young man.
The conversation proceeds in this manner, which each question the father asks, the young man replies that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did the conversation go?"
The father answers:
"He has no job & no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God."
Happy Father's Day
A young Indian left his job in India and joined a salesman's job in a big departmental store in Canada!! On the first day, the Indian worked with full vigour.
At 6 pm
Boss: How much of sales did you do on the first day?
Indian: Sir, I attended to 1 Sales call.
Boss: Only 1 sale the whole day? Usually every salesman here does 20 to 30 Sale transactions a day. Well, tell me what is the value of your today's one sale?
Indian: $93300....!
Boss: What?? Unbelievable! But how did you do that?
Indian: Sir, 1 customer came in and I sold him a small fishing hook. Then a mazola and then finally sold a big hook. Then I sold him 1 big fishing rod and some fishing gear... Then I asked him where does he go to catch fish and he said to the coastal area.
Then I said to him that he would need a boat. So I took him down to the boat department and sold him a 20 ft double engine schooner boat.
When he said the boat won't come in his Volkswagen, I took him to the auto mobile section and sold him the new Deluxe 4 x 4 blazer to carry the boat.
And when I asked him where he would be going fishing ??? He didn't plan anything. So I took him to the camping section and sold him a six sleeper camper tent.
And then he took groceries worth $ 200 and 2 cases of beer....!
Now the boss took 2 steps back and asked: You sold all this to a person who came just to buy only 1 fish hook???
Indian: No Sir... He actually came in to buy 1 Tablet for his headache.... I explained to him that 'Fishing' is the Best Way to Get Rid of Headaches!!!
Boss: Where did you work before ???
Indian: I was a PRO in a private hospital in India. For any patient who would come in for any 'Minor Complaint', we get the Patient Tested for Pathology, ECO, ECG, TMT, CT SCAN, X-Ray, MRI etc.
Boss: Will You please sit in my chair? I shall go to India and join a Private Hospital for Training.
A Man was asked: How was your job interview yesterday?
Man: Well, I entered the office, found a man sitting on a large black leather chair with feet resting on the table... He pointed towards his laptop, asked me to take it and go outside, then come back and try to sell him the laptop. He thought himself to be actor Leonardo Di Caprio of "The wolf of wall street" movie. So I took the laptop and left.
FRIEND: Left...!! Then what?
Man: Nothing!! Thirty minutes later he called me up... begging me to return his laptop to him because all his work and important documents were in it. So I asked him: Will you buy it ??
A girl was practicing the piano when suddenly there was loud pounding on the front door. She opened it and found a cop.
"What's the matter?" she asked.
"Where's the body?" demanded the officer.
"What are you talking about?"
"We just got a tip that some guy named Mozart is being butchered to pieces in this house."
A divine healer in a Kerala church called out, "Anyone with special needs who wants to be prayed for, come forward to the front."
Hearing that, Kunjappan, got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, "Kunjappan, what do you want me to pray for you?"
Kunjappan replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on Kunjappan's ear, placed his other hand on top of Kunjappan's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Kunjappan, how is your hearing now?"
Kunjappan answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday at the Ernakulam High Court!!!"
With airlines adding fees to fees, The Week magazine asked its readers to predict the next surcharge they'll levy for something previously free.
1. In the unlikely event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card.
2. $100 On-Time Departure Fee; $25 Delay Complaint Fee.
3. View seating (formerly window seats), $10; Access seating (formerly aisle seats), $10 $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter or exit the aircraft in lieu of no-charge rope-ladder alternative.
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you take your seat; $3 additional penalty for looking up at the bin after you bump into it.
During his routine medical check, Paddy asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life ?"
"I don't know", said the doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
Paddy said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
"Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your ass."