I'm great at multitasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once
The more you know, the less you learn.
I just opened my electricity bill and water bill at the same time.
I was shocked.
I'm just intelligent enough to know that I’m not really that intelligent.
Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.
Some people have a guardian angel. Mine just watches like it’s a reality show
Married people have, on average, twice as many family emergencies.
I told a joke this morning in a Zoom meeting. No one laughed.
Seems I'm not remotely funny.
People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.
What do pigs use in the shower?
Hogwash!