I asked our server: Can we see the menu please?
She scoffed and said: The men I please is none of you business.
Which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords...
She got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that, what are they?"
I have many jokes about unemployed people -- sadly none of them work.
My Wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath...
I suppose I should wait until she gets out.
If higher taxes on cigarette are meant to discourage smoking...
Wouldn't Income Taxes discourage working?
Me alcoholic ? No way.
Many people ask why I drink so much. It's because I have a medical condition where my body doesn't produce it's own alcohol, whereby I have to take supplements.
The Angel of Death said, "I've come for you."
The man replied, "Why? I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm healthy!"
The angel said, "You left your phone at home without locking it, and your wife found it."
Man, "Alright then... let's go."
What do you call someone that saw an iPhone being stolen?
An iWitness!
Soldier, what is your first name?"
"It's D-d-d-david, sir."
"Do you have a stutter, soldier?"
"No sir, but my father did, and the guy who filled out the birth certificate was a real asshole."
