| A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS." The pastor hollered out, "GRACE." The congregation began to sing, "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound." The pastor said, "POWER." The congregation sang, "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD." The Pastor said, "SEX!" The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing, "PRECIOUS MEMORIES." |
| These two couples play golf together regularly at their club, and on the sixth hole, a par four, the second shot to the green must carry 80 yards over water. One of the women, Mrs. Smith, for over a year, could never carry the water, and would always hit into it, totally psyched out by the presence of the water. Her friend in the group suggested that she might want to see a hypnotherapist to overcome her anxiety near the water. So the woman went to a hypnotherapist for four sessions. In those sessions, the woman was hypnotized and the therapist would "plant suggestions" that when playing the second shot on the sixth hole, she would not see water, but rather a plush green fairway leading all the way up to the green. About six months later, a woman at the club asked whatever happened to Mrs. Smith, that she hadn't seen her playing golf at the club for almost four months now. She was informed that five months earlier, Mrs. Smith had 'drowned' at the first leg of the sixth hole!!! |
| This lock-down is getting old and frankly I've had enough. I've discussed the matter over a cup of coffee with the kitchen sink, and we both agree that the experience is draining. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts the wrong spin on everything. Same with the fridge. He only gives cold comfort. I asked the lamp but she couldn't shed any new light on the situation. The vacuum cleaner was rather rude and told me to suck it up. The threshold was no better, it suggested I get over it. The carpet advised me to sweep my feelings under the rug. But the fan was more upbeat and thought that the crisis would soon blow over. The toilet looked a bit flushed and didn't offer an opinion. The wall didn't say a word either, just gave me a blank stare. The door knob was more forthcoming - told me to get a firm grip on the situation and move on. The front door declared I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to.... you guessed it right - pull myself together. Then the chair told me to table it, and the table remarked, I didn't have a leg to stand on. When I told the table to break a leg, the mirror said that my comments reflected poorly on my thinking. However, in the end, the iron straightened things out. She said everything will be fine. No situation is too pressing for long anyways! |
| Morris had died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris' Last Will and Testament. To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars. To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar. To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000. And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill. |