Clean Jokes

Santa walks into a bar. He asks the barman, "How tall is a penguin?"
The barman says about three feet.
Santa, "Don`t you get any penguins taller than that...

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but...

Wife is like a TV and Girlfriend is like a MOBILE. At home you watch TV, but when you go out you take your MOBILE with you. Sometimes you enjoy TV, but most of the time, you play with your mobie...

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains...

An airbus with 346 passengers on board met with technical problems and as the message was flashed to the passengers, they started screaming with fear. The Captain said, "Don`t panic. I want to ask you...

A blonde walking by a travel agency notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special - $99!"
She goes inside, hands the agent her money, and says, "I`d like the $99 cruise special, please...

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house, chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked, "How did your game go?"
The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round...

A computer programmer was taking a smoke break when a woman passing by sarcastically commented, "Don`t you know that those things can kill you? They put a warning on every pack...

"Sister Ann, aren`t you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It`s just...

The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a `little` stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain saw him drunk and when the first mate...