I went to a deli and said, I'd like to buy a bagel with cream cheese. The kid behind the counter said, sorry we only take cash or credit cards!
One way to find out if you are old is to fall down in front of a lot of people. If they laugh, you are still young. If they panic and start running towards you, you are old!
A man working in the Guinness brewery in Dublin fell into a 5,000-gallon vat of beer and could be rescued only after five hours. While he was regaining consciousness in the company's hospital, his wife asked if he suffered much. His fellow worker replied, "I don't think so. He climbed out twice to pee!"
I get ignored so much... . . . . . . that my name should be Terms & Conditions!
Adjective for metal is metallic; But not so for iron which is ironic!
It's Saturday. Should I sit down and do nothing or... lay down and do nothing?
I was researching Atheism. Turns out it's a non-prophet organization!
Harassed Husband: Sir, I am married for 17 years. Whenever we quarrel, my wife calls her brother from Bombay, who comes by next flight, punches me black and blue and flies back. My wife pays for the tickets using my credit card. Please help me. Answer from Councillor: I am very sorry to know about your situation. In today's world, this has become quite common for most of us. The best is for you to shift to Bombay so that you can at least save the airfares!
It takes a lot of courage to list a piece of exercise equipment for sale and include `barely used` in the description!
Stages of doing anything: 1) Putin it off 2) Stalin 3) Russian to finish