It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. (Not even remotely)
I pulled a mustache hair out today while I was at a restaurant. I don't know why the waitress was upset & called the security. I was just trying to help her!
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive? I just did, and apparently, I won't be allowed on this airline again!
Science puns make me numb: . . . . . But math puns make me number!
English can be weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though!
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit "What'll ya have?"
The rabbit says "I dunno. I'm only here because of Autocorrect!"
Just spent $300 on hiring a limousine and discovered the fee doesn't include a driver.
Can't believe I've spent all that money and have nothing to chauffer it!
Michael Schumacher may be the fastest driver but have you seen me driving to the liquor store minutes before it closes?
A man to a girl in a bar:
Man: Outside?... Under?... To?... Around?... Over?...
Girl: Are you trying to preposition me?
Why don't the French order 2 eggs for breakfast?
Because one egg is un oeuf!