I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said 'do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said, "Not at all." He said, "Kiss?"
I said, "Let's listen to the music first and see how we feel!"
I've got a German friend who's a sound technician.
I've got a Czech one too. Czech one too!
Patient: Doctor, over the last three days I have followed your instructions. I have not eaten any food added with preservative colour or even sprayed. I have not even touched them.
Doctor: Great! So how do you feel now?
Patient: Hungry! Extremely hungry!
Did you hear the one about the greedy peanut butter?
I am not telling you. You might spread it!
How do you make gold soup?
You put 24 carrots in it!
Customer: I'd like your mildest roast, please.
Barista: You have got really average ears!
I pointed towards two old drunks sitting across the table in the bar and told my friend "We'll be like that in another 10 years."
He said, "That's a mirror, you idiot!"
The filthiest pub I was ever in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn!
Maybe we don't lose our socks, maybe our socks get a divorce and the one you have is the one who got to keep you!
Parenting is such hard work.
But you know what? At the end of the day?
You are exhausted from all the hard work!