A guy is in for a job interview, and the interviewer asks him, "What would you consider to be your biggest weakness?"
The guy replies, "Honesty. I'm honest with everyone; I don't know how to be anything other than completely honest with every single person I meet."
The interviewer says, "I don't really see how honesty could be considered a weakness? In fact, I think honesty is a great strength!"
To which the guy replies, "I don't really give a shit what you think."
The president of Slobbovia was running for re-election and held a rally in the small town of Hicknia.
He yelled to the crowd, "I am here for you! What is your greatest need?"
Someone called out, "The nearest highway is 50 miles away and that hurts business."
So he pulls out his phone, and in a loud voice says to the person on the other end, "Designate 50 million quatloos to extend the highway to Hicknia!"
Expecting a roar of support, he was surprised that there was only some polite clapping.
So he yelled to the crowd again, "I am here for you! What is your next greatest need?"
Someone called out, "The nearest railroad is 50 miles away and that hurts business."
So he pulls out his phone, and in a loud voice says to the person on the other end, "Designate 80 million quatloos to extend the railroad to Hicknia!"
Again, expecting a roar of support he was surprised that there was only some polite clapping. So he yelled to the crowd a final time, "I am here for you! What is your next greatest need?"
Someone in the crowd called out, "The nearest cell phone tower is 50 miles away and that hurts business."
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and attractive female passenger onboard, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
"The Captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you before... We have resigned from United Airlines and now This is Air Force One."
Pankaj fell in love,
Pankaj married,
Pankaj divorced,
Pankaj Udaas.
Sameera went to a parlor,
Sameera did her hair,
Sameera did her makeup,
Sameera Reddy. Kangana hit the ball,
Kangana ran for a single,
Kangana did not reach the crease,
Kangana Ranaut.
Hrithik buys bulb,
Hrithik puts bulb in socket,
Hrithik switches bulb on,
Hrithik Roshan.
Neil arms weak,
Neil joins gym,
Neil does chin-ups,
Neil Armstrong.
Anil mombatti,
Anil agarbatti,
Anil dhoop,
Anil Kapoor.
Minisha purchased a cycle,
Minisha started riding cycle,
Minisha's height increased,
Minisha Lamba.
William making fruit shake,
William took pears,
William put them in glass,
William Shakespeare
Mika went to studio,
Mika went to recording room,
Mika took the mike,
Mika Singh.
THIS IS HOW ENGLISH AND ENGLISHMEN MAKE FUN OF EACH OTHER ?
Q: Can February March?
A: No. But April May!
Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?
A: Reports say it was due to too many Strokes!
Q: Have you heard the Joke about the Butter?
A: I better not tell you, it might spread!
Q: How do you know that Carrots are good for your Eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a Rabbit wearing Glasses?
Q: Music Teacher: What's your Favourite Musical Instrument?
A: Kid: The Lunch Bell!
Q: What did the Triangle say to the Circle?
A: You're Pointless!
Q: What do you call a Ghosts Mom and Dad?
A: Transparents!
Q: What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
A: A Barbercue!
Q: What do you call a person that Chops up Cereal?
A: A Cereal Killer!
Q: What do you call a South American Girl who is always in a hurry?
A: Urgent Tina!
Q: What do you call Two Fat People having a Chat?
A: A Heavy Discussion!
Q: What kind of Emotions do Noses Feel?
A: Nostalgia!
Q: What kind of shorts do Clouds Wear?
A: Thunderwear!
Q: What's easy to get into but hard to get out of?
A: Trouble!
Q: Where do Boats go to when they get sick?
A: The Dock!
Q: Who cleans the bottom of the Ocean?
A: A Mer-Maid!
Q: Why can't a Leopard hide?
A: Because he's always Spotted!
Q: Why can't your Nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a Foot!
Q: Why did the Barber win the Race?
A: Because he took a Short Cut!
Q: Why did the Boy tiptoe past the Medicine Cabinet?
A: He didn't want to wake the Sleeping Pills!
Q: Why did the Tomato turn Red?
A: It saw the Salad Dressing!
Q: Why did the Tree go to the Dentist?
A: To get a Root Canal!
Q: Why don't you see Giraffes in Elementary School?
A: Because they're all in High School!
Q: Why was the Maths Book Sad ?
A: Because it had too many Problems!
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people....
but none of them work.
How do you make holy water?
You take some water & boil the hell out of it.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Two windmills are standing in a wind farm.
One asks, "What's your favorite kind of music?"
The other says, "I'm a big metal fan."
Heard about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu, you get what you deserve.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday...
but couldn't find any.
What do you call a bee that can't quite make up its mind?
A maybe.
I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
If and when everything is coming your way.....
you're in the wrong lane.
She had a photographic memory...
but never developed it.
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.....
but then I changed my mind.
Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland, of course, it's Dublin everyday.
My ex-wife still misses me....
but her aim is starting to improve.
The guy who invented the door knocker got a.....
No-bell prize.
I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought....
"that's the last thing I need !"
Need an ark???
I Noah guy.
I used to be indecisive.....
Now I'm not so sure.
Sleeping comes so naturally to me that......
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing. But, it let out a little whine.
What do you call a very articulate dinosaur with a good vocabulary?
A Thesaurus.
Last, but not least,
What happens when you boil a funny bone?
You get a laughing stock.
I let my wife borrow the BMW today... I told her to be careful, there's plenty of idiots on the road in London.
Sure enough about 15 minutes later on the radio; I hear that there's a car driving on the wrong side of the road in my area.
I gave her a call: Be careful love, someone's driving on the wrong side of the road.
Wife: Someone is...? EVERYONE IS!
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for..., "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look."
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
There's a beer convention in town, and all the CEOs from all the beer companes are there. During a break between seminars, a few of them went down to the hotel bar for a drink.
The Anheuser Busch CEO says to the bartender, "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers," and he takes his drink and sits at a table.
The Coors CEO says, "I'll have a Coors, Brewed with Pure Rocky Mountain Spring Water," and joins the other CEO.
The Heineken CEO says, "I'll have a Heineken, Lager Beer at its Best," and he, too, sits at the table.
The Guinness CEO says, "I'll have a glass of water, please," and joins the others.
The other three CEOs look at him, puzzled, and one of them inquires, "You're drinking water?"
"Yes," he replies. "If you three aren't drinking beer, then neither am I."
So, my wife managed to crash the car again today. When the police showed up, she was all fired up, insisting that the guy she hit was being totally reckless.
"He was on his phone! Can you believe it?!" she exclaimed.
"And, to make matters worse, he was sitting there, casually sipping on a can of beer!"
The officer, trying his best to hold back a smile, took a deep breath, looked her dead in the eye, and said, "Ma'am... he can do whatever he wants... in his own living room."